The Absence

The moment you know it's gone is the moment you wish you can have it back. It's been a long time coming and we both saw the end; we just didn't know that it would happen this soon, but we could feel it. We both knew that. It takes a little bit of this and that and a hell lot of faith to make it through, but it's all right there. You won't believe just how much we take for granted sometimes.

It's missing that warm water for your shower in the morning that makes you realize just how precious warm water is. It's not having your mother there to give you some obscure, mundane advice on life to make you realize just how beautiful her voice is and how much you love her words, though they sound old.

Sometimes in order to realize what's there we need to see them go away first. That's unfortunate because what happens if they don't come back? The only thing we'd be left with is the realization that we had it and now it's gone.

A PHILOSOPHICAL OUTLOOK We're just so bitter and frustrated of this thing--this force--controlling us, so, in order to make ourselves feel less powerless, we act like we have control over IT, when in truth, we really don't. Hence, that is why we keep going around in circles--in this vicious cycle. We refuse to give up, but how much longer can we fight a battle we've already lost from the start? We can kick, scream, and punch; it is all in vain. But wait, have we really lost? At this point, yes. But I can tell you we weren't always pre-ordained to lose. We were given a choice. We took a chance. And the choices we made have put us in this situation. With that said, have we shaped our own destiny? Are we our own agents? Or is this just the fate given to us? All of the above?If no changes are made, how can anything new transpire? In order to progress, humans must move and moving means making changes and sacrifices. If neither of us is willing to do so, we'll be stuck rolling in this hamster wheel for the rest of our lives. Around and around we go!

Circumstances

We all want what we can't have and most times, what we want isn't what we need. What we want isn't always what's best for us either. A friend of mine told me once, "the heart wants what it wants and it'll fight to keep it/obtain it." But to what extent, should you fight? And what would you sacrifice along the way? How do you know it is worth the struggle? What happens if the outcome is far too painful than either of us can imagine?

We're all a little selfish on the inside, but a little vulnerable at the same time. We will continue to fight in order to obtain our heart's desire until there is no more to fight for.

What's more tragic? Not gaining our heart's desire, or fighting a battle we can never win?

Changes

I needed a change from my usual routine. I had the need to take something away to regain control of myself. That hiatus was one of them. I just wanted a change, but not a big one, I just need something that I knew can help me focus and keep me in line.

Not Quite

We agreed to continue to contact each other on the condition that neither of us expresses any form of feelings towards each other. So far, we've succeeded in doing so, but things feel strange. I miss the intimacy. There's coldness where the intimacy used to be. This is what I wanted, right? Why am I having such a difficult time adjusting to it?

Please don't do this to yourself. Classes start again in a week. You mustn't do this.

True happiness is born inside of you. You shouldn't rely on some external factor to bring it to you. Find ways to be happy without attaching happiness to an outside factor.